Treat Yo Self

Everyone I speak to is so hard on themselves, this post is about being nice to yourself because at the end of the day you have to treat yo self right before you can expect anyone else to. So go buy an ice cream and look at squid on the internet, just do something that makes you happy.


Ways to treat yo self:

1) Put your nicest clothes on and play your sassiest song, for example Beyoncé –  Freakum Dress. Pretend you are in a music video.


2) Go on your Facebook tagged photos and click backwards, this always helps me as I usually find that I looked like a cabbage patch kid and I made some awful clothes choices – the lowest point being a tasselled shoulder padded sequined crop top and red hair. Anything is better than your oldest Facebook tagged photo. So treat yourself to a reminder you are getting better with age like a fine wine.

3) If you have Ebay go on your buyer feedback – the majority of it will be positive and will make you feel good about yourself.

4) Buy yourself a fredo or a mini twister – they are both made using happiness (and additives). With the twister you can also play the game of ‘how to eat this in public without looking like a pervert.’ 

5) Spend time with people who make you feel as wonderful as you are. So avoid mean / negative people who have you thinking this:


6) Don’t settle for a member of the opposite sex that doesn’t make you feel like the unicorn they have been looking for. On my range of dating emotions if I want to play you Barry White and share my food with you, well done you are at unicorn status and I want to recreate this situation with you:


7) Don’t be so hard on yourself. So what you live at home, you are single you are  23 and you thought you had outgrown spots but nope they are still on your face. (That may be quite specific to me) try and look at all the things you are amazing at and not your shortfalls.


8) Buy yourself things, its up to you if you want to listen to this because apparently I should not be buying myself so many gifts and calling them ‘presents for me’ when I buy them. But it is amazing what some new pens can do to your day.

9) Have a bath. I don’t care if you are a woman or the buffest guy. Have a bath, light a candle, put on come dine with me. That exact routine reduces stress by 99.9%.

10) Go on vine and look at the videos of Dinky. The sassiest Bichon Frise you will ever see.


Treat yo self right.



One more beauty product will sort my life out

I am sure that we have all invested in some stupid beauty products, I once spent £35.00 on a gel to give you abs, I used to put it on whilst eating a KFC. I am going to run through some things I have spent money on which haven’t made me experience buyers remorse. So if you are going to waste your money, waste it on stuff that works.

1) Lush – American Cream

This conditioner makes you feel like a mermaid / Beyonce hybrid and you will smell like a trifle. The bottle states ‘bring all the boys to the yard with this strawberry and vanilla milkshake.’

I give this product 4/5 only because there have been no boys round my yard and I have been using it for 2 months. My hair is looking fabulous though.

2) Bumble and bumble – Surf Spray

I have flat hair, its so flat that it looks like I have had a bucket hat on for 4 weeks. I don’t know what they put in this, I am going to assume it is made using unicorn tears because I can not explain to you how it makes your hair so shitting perfect. Put it in your hair, put your hair in a bun, take the bun out and go find yourself a husband because that hair is so big you will probably trap a man in it.

Since using this I made awkward eye contact with 5 men in Cardiff city centre so it must be a good product. 5/5

3) Bourjois Paris – Healthy Mix Serum Gel Foundation

I used to spend 40 odd quid on foundation that didn’t match my skin and made me look like I had dipped my face in olive oil. Then there are BB creams or whatever those things are. I gave up and purchased this Bourjois Paris foundation, which works and gives you a glow like you have had enough sleep even though you are running off red bull because you watched 5 seasons of Gossip Girl in a week and a half.

If you have olive skin this will save your face, it actually matches your skin tone and smells nice. 4/5

4) Palmer’s – Cocoa Butter

I don’t have to sell this to you, it smells like chocolate coconuts and works. What more do you want. It makes you want to tell people to touch your arm because you are so bloody soft that all of society needs to know.


5) Garnier – Micellar Cleansing Water

I felt sad and spotty so I purchased this, I got home and thought to myself  ‘I have spent a fiver on water, what are you doing with your life.’ Turns out whatever the micellar bit of it is, it removes every single last bit of makeup. I do pine for a face wipe though because I am lazy. So if they can get the micellar thing on a facewipe that would be great.


Finding the right products is like trying to find the right partner, you waste a lot of time, regret a few choices you have made along the way and you feel hurt (not emotionally but financially). So follow my advice if you want, or don’t, I am still waiting for this conditioner to bring all the boys to my yard.




Quarter Life Crisis

We no longer have to wait to have a mid-life crisis. In the twenty-first century you can expect to have your crisis around the ages of 22-30. Forget about buying a Ferrari at 50 a quarter life crisis takes its form in £100 spent in Boots on shower gel and 3 lipsticks in the same shade of pink. This crisis is due to many reasons.

1) If you have graduated from uni, you like so many others may find yourself back at your parents home. Wait it out, you will leave the nest again. It will probably be will less savings than you were hoping because there is no limit to the trinkets you will buy yourself. If you are going to have a crisis at least adorn yourself in the nicest of pointless charms. 

2) Other humans in the same age range are getting married, engaged, having babies, buying dogs and you find yourself not even being able to commit to Tinder for longer than 24 hours.

3) Your career may be in its infancy. For someone with a humanities degree like me you probably don’t have a shitting clue what you even want to do. So you end up applying for jobs that don’t make sense, like the one I applied for recently where I think the basis of the job was to be an undisclosed comedians bitch.

The red flags of a quarter life crisis are important to be able to identify:

You want to go out but you can’t face the hangover.

You want to meet new people but you don’t like small talk.

You don’t leave your room but wonder why you are single.

The only thing that makes you happy is food. From folding a Domino’s pizza in half and making a posh calzone to eating a whole chicken.

You endlessly buy yourself little gifts (the big purchases are for the mid life crisis) for now you buy a new hair conditioner, or 5, and hope that it solves all the problems in your life.

You watch programmes which consist of 8 series in a week – sleep is for the weak



Ur dreams tell ur future part 2

Now I have finished my degree and I have had my little holiday to the Netherlands I feel at a loss as to what I should be doing. I tend to just sit at my desk in work like this guy.

So I went to the tarot card reader again, hoping for some inspiration. All the guy told me was ‘you are in limbo and I can’t tell you much.’ Thanks mate here is your extortionate fee. I have always had a job but now I feel like I need to find the job that I want to do for the next 40 years of my life. My previous aspirations of palaeontologist, archaeologist and marine biologist have been suppressed mainly because I think I was dropped on my head as a baby and the area of my brain for chemistry and maths was damaged. Here is a list of things I am good at;

1) Eating red meat

2) Cross stitching

3) Running

4) Dancing (after a few rums)

5) Nineteenth-century history

6) Patting spaniels

7) Fossil hunting

8) Checking the oil in my car

9) Puns

10) Looking after my cactus

11) Being socially awkward – not in a cute or kooky way. Just a full on talking to you about cup holders sort of way.

All these things I am good at are useless to an employer and really narrow down to no occupation. Any suggestions are welcome. At the moment I am investing heavily in cross stitching and I don’t think anyone on the Forbes list claims to have made millions off the back of rap lyrics in pretty boarders.





Exams, xams, smaxe, hellonearth

I would like to know what twerp invented exams. They always come at the end of the year when you are exhausted, your blood is replaced with caffeine and you hate everyone. I especially want to know who the hell came up with a main course of dissertation followed by a nice helping of exams. Revision is so mingin the key to staying motivated is little gifts – buy yourself so many pens that you want to use them and when you read your notes out loud put on different accents – you are going to sound mental but that important date you learnt using the Queen’s voice – you won’t forget. Follow my top five tips and you will feel less like this:

1) Buy felt tips – loads of them. You will want to use them, it is a scientific fact felt tips increase your productivity by 100% – use them to make notes.

2) Avoid asking that one smart kid questions about what they are revising – everyone learns differently just because they have focused on different topics or arguments doesn’t mean you haven’t revised the right things. Never ask someone how much they have done you will get two responses;

‘I haven’t done anything’  –  LIES!!! Little fibber they have probably been in the library for the past forty years

‘I have done so much’ –  Probably not I saw you on Facebook posting videos of cats

3) Find out early on where you study best, for example if I go to the library I will stare at boys / dust particles – anything apart from my work. I like working at home looking offensively ugly in a nest of notes (of course some find not speaking to anyone for 2 weeks apart from your mother unbearable and may go mad.)

4) Don’t freak out. Just don’t waste your energy – sleep well have a tip top or something, go for walk, stroke a cat etc. Just do as much as you can in the time that you have.

5) GOLDEN RULE VERY IMPORTANT – NEVER TALK TO ANYONE BEFORE YOUR EXAM – THEY WILL NOT TELL YOU ANYTHING USEFUL – THEY WILL FREAK YOU OUT. Don’t talk to them after either, you always have that knob ‘ed that tells you, with a pitied look, that everything you wrote was wrong and everything you have ever known and loved is also wrong. Just look at them nod, and walk away.

At times you may have a little cry or eat a packet of ham (that may just be me). Keep strong this will be you by the end of it;


My time in the education system is coming to an end on Monday and thank shitting hell because I haven’t brushed my hair in a week and I need to look less like Iggy Pop and more like Iggy Azalea.




Spoonin my books 2 sleep

Not only have I come down with the plague and have to deal with the crippling guilt I feel when I have to call in sick to work, having to try and say in the most lady-like way that the last time I ate toast I thought my world was going to end. I also have to deal with crawling to the end of the final year of a history degree. I have been sleeping in the middle of a pile of books and using post-it notes to dab away my tears, all whilst knowing that this degree isn’t even leading into a job. My mother said she would help and it has ended in a series of arguments over her telling me there should be two spaces after a full stop. Sorry luv go back to the planet you came from that aint a thing. If you continue with this I will see you in court.


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I don’t know If I will mentally survive these deadlines. I made friends with a moth last night and was angry he had left this morning after I had shown him my drawing of a octopus on paint. So if that is anything to go by, I am going to be bat shit crazy by the end of May.




University has been an experience, an experience I never want to repeat and an experience that has me up at 3am, staring at Wikipedia thinking ‘what the shitting hell am I doing.’ University has taught me many things and I want to share them with you;


1) You begin to not care what drinks taste like

Is that the new Monster? What’s the flavour? Oh you know what, don’t worry lets find out the quickest way to get it into my bloodstream.

2) Alcohol

The cheapest drink becomes your favourite drink.

3) Work atmosphere requirements

To productively and efficiently write an essay there has to be no food left in the house, the perfect climate and the sun has to align with Jupiter. Also the majority of your well constructed arguments for important essays will come to you in the shower, and you will proceed to forget them instantly.

4) Boyz Boyz Boyz (or girlz girlz girlz)

They are everywhere, just not on your course, or campus.

5) Priorities 

As soon as deadlines begin to pile up, priorities take an unexpected turn to; ‘I would love to do the research I need to do, but I really need to re-align my car wheels and feng shui my room, it truly is a matter of urgency.’


6) Late, overnight library loans

They will mess you up, re mortgage your future home, the librarians show no mercy.



8) Other humans

You hate everyone, apart from the Dominos delivery man.

7) Welcome to the real world

You will learn how to bullshit your way through complicated concepts and you will also learn it is indeed possible to watch the entirety of Breaking Bad in less than 5 days. But figuring out what you want to do when you graduate is another issue, although everyone else seems to have it figured out.

I am currently working my way through my dissertation, an essay, two presentations, a placement and two reports.